Why Guys Freak out And Withdraw
I have seen so many articles written about the topic of why men withdraw in relationships, and found a lot of them have something worryingly in common. They are usually written by women or found on moms blogs, maybe just a small part of an article saying that we simply freak out!
I feel like a lot of the reasons sound more like opinions from a woman’s perspective. This is not representative of how I feel as a man. Many reasons given for guys withdrawing in relationships are looked at enough detail.
It’s a better idea to think why do men withdraw and what to do when he withdraws. There is always going to be a deeper reason for why a guy is withdrawing from a relationship, or withdrawing from intimacy. But we are stubborn creatures, so you have to pry a little more to get to the truth.
As someone with three daughters, I do my best to teach them why men behave in certain ways and what it can mean. Not to just look at the surface reaction, but know to ask the right questions to get to the root of a cause.
Understanding the reasons behind a behaviour needs healthy communication. In the long run, you will have a much better relationship if a guy can trust to always say what is on His mind without the worry of judgement.
What I want to do is give you some reasons a man may be withdrawing from one of many aspects of life. From the perspective of someone just like you, who has had many ups and downs in life. But I am also a man, and have had to deal with relationships and life looking at it from my view, and I would like to share this with you.
1. Fear of Vulnerability
Many men are raised to always be on alert, be constantly guarded physically and emotionally. “If you don’t feel then you can’t be hurt” as my dad used to say. So if you are wondering why do men withdraw emotionally, many times it’s just because we haven’t had enough practice at expressing those emotion’s.
If you can’t express something as a man, then you withdraw into yourself and look for guidance in the one place you have always seemed guidance. In the solace of your own mind. I’m not saying this is a good thing we do, but for women to understand that we don’t just close off, we might not know how to open up.
I also worry about letting my weaknesses known. One day it might be used against me. Even when emotional, men think about the things they say that can Hurt them in the future. Always on guard!
2. External Stressors
Do guys withdraw when they are stressed? Yes they do.
Why do guys withdraw when stressed? because we get it from all angles. I’m not complaining that I have too hard a life, but I work hard and I know what is expected of me in the real world.
If you want to get ahead in life as a Man, you always have to do more than you are paid for and be willing to work harder, faster, smarter, longer than the man next to you aiming for the same spot. If a guy withdraws without warning it might have nothing to do with you.
It could be a build up of work, deadlines and financial problems make men withdraw quicker than a short breath. It can be overwhelming at times, so take into consideration all that is happening before making a snap judgment.
You have your own problems of course, and communication is always going to be key here. I will say though, if you are aware of the same problems and you don’t have a suggestion or some kind words, it may be best to leave Him alone on this one.
3. Emotional Exhaustion
I’m not saying men can’t handle emotions, just maybe not in high doses for an extended period of time, at least that’s how I am. I can be quite introverted, so I need my alone time to recharge. This can be the same with emotions for a guy.
So you see, why men withdraw from relationships is already becoming a pretty complex answer. It’s not that we just lose interest, or freak out because of commitment, we have genuine reasons sometimes.
If you are always expectant that your man is in a good mood all of the time, or you point out every time He is not in one, it creates pressure. We then feel worried to ever be a little quiet, more placid from time to time as we already know what your reaction will be.
This turns into annoyance after a while, so just let a Man have a quiet day from time to time. We won’t be rude or mean, just that we can’t see up the same heightened emotional state as women can. We are made up differently and that’s ok, just takes understanding.
4. Personal Space
Why do guys withdraw when you show interest? because you are probably showing too much interest. I don’t care if a guy tells you He is happy to spend every waking second with you, He needs to get himself some alone time.
Even if this is the case, then you need to encourage a Man to have time alone with His thoughts. If a Guy dose not maintain a sense of self, pursue hobbies and difficult things, then the challenge disappears.
If Men don’t have a challenge then there’s no purpose, and we will withdraw from everything to reset, regroup and start over again.
It’s not so common nowadays for Men to make things, fix things, but it is necessary. Even if it’s doing a little wood carving, cleaning the pipes, putting up a shed. We need to use our imagination, creativity, our hands as Men to hold on to something that is innately us.
If you are just always around, joining the bus night in, at all the events we will feel restrained in no time. We might not act a fool, but Men behave a little different when their partners are not around. We exaggerate, we swear a little more, tell some rude jokes and it’s something we all know and agree to take part in as Men.
But if you feel like you always need to be on your best behaviour, we can soon start to see a partner as getting in the way of our friendships.
5. Men Don’t Express Well
This is obviously not the same for all Men, but for Me, the men I know both related and not have all had an issue with this at some point and pulled away from a relationship.
If you can’t express something, the obvious reaction is frustration. As it’s completely inwards, the next step is to withdraw, because you can’t talk about it anyway so it becomes an internal cycle of stress and agitation.
In fact, Men can express their feelings quite well when they want to. I found that when I am expressing an emotion, I am pretty serious and to the point. It can come across as condescending or a little aggressive at times, but my face doesn’t always display my intentions.
Do guys withdraw when they’re falling in love…
I have had to work on this in relationships, so the other half knew how I expressed my emotions. Once they understood that the change of my demeanour was not a reflection of how they were making feel, but how I react when talking about them made al the difference.
It’s hard enough for us to say what we really feel, so when we do it comes out with a little force. Don’t think everything is because if you, and if your guy is withdrawing from you after intimacy, the reason probably has nothing to do with you.
Just be open with your questions, let a guy know you are asking to understand and not to judge. If we feel the safety that our words will be kept in confidence it’s much easier to get the truth out of us.
6. Afraid Of Commitment
When men withdraw, this is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot. That a guy withdrawing from a relationship is as simple as us not wanting to commit, or that we want to keep playing the field, but there’s a lot more to it.
Committing to anything requires a significant investment in time, emotions, and opening yourself up to vulnerabilities. I for one think of the future a lot, and how a partner can effect the future.
You might really like spending time with a person, even be in love, but do they share the same values. If you want to have kids, are you in sync with your view on the world? how you want to impart that onto your kids.
If we don’t have concrete answers to some questions, then the future always feels unsure to us. If the points we think we disagree on start becoming too many, then Men withdraw to take a wider look at the situation and recalibrate.
Why do you think that men might withdraw, while women pursue the conversation? Because we like factual answers and not hypothetical, emotionally charged ones. I know, you can’t tell what will happen in the future, but instead of criticising everything your man does wrong, maybe point out some of the things He does right ti inspire a little confidence.
Mistakes women make to make men withdraw
We look to see if we have changed too much from our real selves. You have to change a little in any partnership, a little give and take, but you don’t want to veer to far from north.
At this point, committing to something you are not sure about, or at least see it leaning too far left for liking, men respond in different ways.
Before a guy withdraws completely from a relationship, a lot of thought would have gone into it. In the end though, some guys will just walk away without any further action.
Some guys will stick around though, and wait to see if things will change for the better, or stay out of comfort also. The best approach if you feel a man withdrawing is to actually ask why.
As simple as this may seem, it’s usually an argument about a man pulling away and not trying to understand why. Take the time, the same way women expect men do to understand why someone is acting out of character, not attack them for it.
7. Previous Relationships
Why do men withdraw if you hurt their feelings? well because they have been hurt so many times before, we don’t want to deal with it anymore.
Think of it like this.
If a guy approaches a girl in a bar, the playground at school, or walking along the street and she ridicules Him in front of everyone for the attempt, the is totally acceptable.
We are expectant of this and have been so for our whole lives. It’s a risk a man takes every time he approaches a girl and it’s totally seen as normal, funny even.
Then reverse this, so a girl approaches a guy and is ridiculed in front of all of her friends. The guys an asshole and labelled as such buy the entire group. Do you think that’s fair, equal, it’s obviously not, but accepted.
why guys withdraw when they like you?
So you see, men are hardened to a lot of small things in relationship a woman might see as important. We get knocked back so many times just for saying hello to a girl. We are constantly labeled as being difficult, not emotional, not caring enough, when it is women that condition those behaviour’s in us.
I am not saying that it’s women’s fault all men are the way they are. I am saying that our experience, how to approach women and keep their attention is full of obstacles.
We have to think of something clever to say, make you laugh, be in shape, dress well, be exciting, all because a simple hello is not enough.
when it gets serious and men withdraw
Do this for long enough, and a woman never meets the true man but his representative of what He thinks is acceptable. We end up losing who we truly are because women expect a certain kind of guy.
In all relationships, more change is expected of a man than is ever from a woman. There is always something for us to improve, be more open, ask more, do more, see a therapist, the list never ends.
But women seem to come into relationships just perfect.
Can you imagine what would happen if men were to ask women to change as much about themselves as they demand from us !
So yeah, unfortunately, if a guy has been through a few relationships, the tolerance level for petty problems is very low. We get to a point where we are all argued out, and I think this is a good thing because this makes a simple man that just wants a good woman and a peaceful life.
8. Men Don’t like conflict
Why do men withdraw after fighting? because contrary to popular belief, we don’t like conflict in relationships. This isn’t true for everyone of course, but no man I know likes to go home at the end of the day and get into a fight at home.
Ever seen two guys argue, fight, then instantly hug it out then become best friends. As much as we like a good dust up, we like a strong bond and friendship more.
There will always be conflicts in a relationship, and they don’t have to be confrontational. We spend our days in conflict a lot of time, not physical (though this also happens), but against all we are trying to achieve. It’s hard to get ahead in life, so the fight is always there.
If we have to come home and fight about leaving a shirt on the couch, or forgetting to take the trash out, not wanting to spend our Sundays at a group even consisting of a farmers market and Brunch with your friends, it makes life pretty miserable.
Why do guys withdraw when they are stressed
I get it, we can be forgetful, we can be annoying, we may have some bad habits, but there is a way to approach a man just as there is to approach a woman. You don’t just jump in the ring, cause we are geared for that and defences go up straight away.
Men respond to calm words that come from a place of caring than they do from a shouting match. Our fathers disciplined us and out mothers showed us emotions. If you come at me like my dad you will get that response.
If you tell a man that His behaviour is causing you discomfort, that you would be happier, therefore he would also be happier and not have to deal with any negative emotions if he made the effort to change something, he would do so.
If you tell a man to do something in an authoritative way, then he will challenge it as it’s in his nature. So just be nice, it’s all it really takes.
9. Fear Of Failure
When it gets serious and men withdraw, there may not even be a problem in the relationship, we might just be scared of failing.
Remember we said that men are held to a certain standard and are expected to behave a certain way. Well if we go too far with it, we never know how long we are going to be able to keep up the act.
Of course, we don’t pretend all out, but we know that we have to behave a certain way and this can get a but much. If we think into the future, it can be overwhelming, the though of knowing you are going to pretend in some aspects of your relationship forever.
why guys withdraw during issues…
Why do men withdraw after telling him something you don’t like that he did? Because that is all you tell us. We can take the bad, but you should also focus on pointing out the good as well.
Also, just the fear of failure in general is pretty tough for all men. Not all guys can stand up in the face of failure, re adjust and keep moving forward whilst improving. Some men are just cowards and walk away, but some just need a little security.
Guys think of things logically mostly, and women emotionally. It takes a mixture of the two to get a relationship to work, so if you just let your man know that things are going ok from time to time, it is enough.
For me at least, I never really know when everything is going well. I always worry, but a simple comment from Her to let me know that things are going well with us is enough to calm all my anxiety and stop me from withdrawing into my own thoughts.
In short, men don’t like failing at anything, so if we have the smallest doubt of anything for the future, anxiety builds and we can act out in different ways. The same way women always need reassuring, men need it from time to time as well.
10. Fear Of Rejection
I have struggled with this in all of my relationships. I can be a bit distant in general, and it can require a lot of effort from me to be present all of the time. To smile when you re supposed to, laugh when expected, be polite to everyone, but this is not in my nature.
A time comes in every relationship where you get more comfortable with a person, and you let the real you show a little more. These are usually harmless little things that you get used to in your partner.
Sometimes though, we don’t know how some of our behaviours are going to be perceived, maybe judged unfavourably, so we hide it and build up a fear of being rejected.
If I get stressed, or upset, I withdraw into myself and will be silent for a few hours, maybe a few days until I have a plan of action for whatever it is I am dealing with, but I don’t treat anyone any different, I just pull away.
Most women’s first thought is to assume it is something they did, and will ask you what is wrong. If you don’t come out with it outright, it can lead to arguments because you are not opening up, where the initial approach was all wrong.
Why do guys withdraw without warning? sometimes just because we see that we cannot talk openly about what’s going on, or we simply cannot be left alone to be quiet for a moment without a worry of something being wrong.
If everything is fine in your relationship, and your guy just wakes up in a different mood, it does’t mean there is a problem. Even if there is a problem, it’s okay to let a guy be quiet with His own thoughts for a while before you ask what’s up.
Next time you ask a guy what’s wrong, and he tells you everything is fine, he just needs moment of quiet, just let it be. Women wake up in all sorts of moods, and men are just expected to be ok with this rollercoaster, well afford us the same from time to time.
11. Communication Differences
Is it normal that men withdraw after every difficult discussion. Well this depends on how you are talking to each other. Men can deal with difficult conversations, but we don’t respond well to shouting matches.
Any response you get is going to be charged with annoyance, leading to a lot of regrettable things that may not have a way back.
Here is another of my pitfalls, communication. I can’t speak for all men, but I know sometimes the way I say things take away from what I am actually saying.
If I am passionate about a topic, my face may be expressing annoyance or aggressions. Some of my words may come across as a little harsh, and my defence is always that I don’t mean how you are taking it.
What I have learnt though, just because there are good intentions behind your words, you also have to say in them in the correct way. I have ended may relationships because of this, because I never managed to adjust the way I said things.
Even if you are with someone that understands this about you, it’s still not nice to be on the receiving end of aggressive speech. This is the same both ways.
I only understood this when I had the same happen to me. I would get annoyed because it seemed like she would be taken her problems out on me, but she was just expressing with a lot of passion and emotion.
If you know you communicate in a certain way, you should let each other know how you feel after each discussion or disagreement from the start. It takes practice to get to a good place of communication.
I will point these things out, almost like a review after every difficult or emotionally charged discussion so each time we improve the way we talk with each other.
Take your ego out of it, and work with your partner to figure out how best to communicate with each other, and don’t wait for it to get to a point where you are just screaming to get your point across because you don’t know how to talk.
12. Loss of Independence
Why men withdraw suddenly at times can be out of fear of losing independence. If you meet a guy and he has a very active social life, many friends, goes out, on trips, on holidays, you cannot realistically expect that to all just stop.
In an ideal world, you would incorporate each others social lives into your own, make some changes and sacrifices where necessary, but not limit this for each other.
If you are going to get jealous about the amount of time a man spends with His friends, then do us the decency of not getting into a relationship with us. Once things start to get serious, a lot of time men are told they should spend less time with social activities and become more homely. I don’t agree with this.
You get taken on a guilt trip, told that you think your friends are more important, you don’t spend enough time together. There can be truth to this in some cases of course, like you can’t just be out all day and treat your home like a hotel.
If this is because the man has an active social life, and the woman doesn’t, then you are just being unfair by asking a man to limit his social time instead of improving your own.
So don’t just think of why men don’t talk about their problems, think more about how you can get them to talk about them in a place they feel secure and comfortable.
13. High Expectations
Everything in the way of success comes with an expectation. If you want to be good at anything, including a relationship then a lot is expected.
Constant improvement, always knowing how your other half feels, how you should respond, how you should not respond, Added to everything else guys have to do, it can be overwhelming.
If you expect more from a man, this is actually ok and will give him motivation to do better. The way you demand more thought is the key here. You cannot ask man to become better by criticising his actions.
Women demand and men withdraw…
If a man points out a woman’s flaws all the time, what happens? She starts to feel insecure, like she is not enough, never does enough. Well the same can be true for men also.
If you want more from a guy, you just have to let him know that He is capable of doing so. If you tell a guy He can get in shape, get a better job, be kinder, more successful and that He is worthy of all he achieves, you will see instant changes.
The other option is to constantly remind him of all the failures, all the times he came up short, and see how quick He walks out the door. Expectation is fine, just be cautious how you decide to point this out. If not a guy will withdraw emotionally real quick.
14. Psychological or mental health challenges
Why men withdraw and go cold for no reason? Mental health reasons can be a bog part of this. I have definitely had my own battles over the years and can speak of my own experiences.
For years I never understood why I always ended up on my own. I don’t mean only a partner, but friends, family, I always seemed to end up isolated. Part of it is just my personality, I like to be alone. But a lot of it was fear of disappointment.
If you only have yourself to rely on, no one can disappoint you, but you also end up alone. There is strength in this for sure, but you still have feelings of being alone and losing purpose when you have nothing to struggle for.
Guys will withdraw with no reason apparent, but in their minds there can be a storm going on, we are just good at keeping it quiet cause no one actually cares. Not that it’s the victims mentality, but more so the world doesn’t care about your problems, you just have to keep getting up and grinding away.
Men get withdrawn when they can’t see their girlfriends, and it could be something as simple as she is busy. If you have some trauma from your younger years though, you might think too deep into it and react negatively.
Many of our problems just need a change of perspective, maybe therapy or openly talking about things that trouble men in general could be helpful. I am not a physiology expert though, so I don’t know what the answer is to bring more attention to mens mental health.
What I do know as a man though, is reading certain types of books, listening to people that resonate with my view of the world gives me more of a sense of belonging. I don’t want to be a victim of confirmation bias though, so I take in all sorts of opinions.
Having a broader understanding of how the mind works, learning from other peoples struggles and experiences, knowing there are other people that go through the same makes it more tolerable.
If you feel like you are stuck, and there is no way out, you don’t have anyone to confide in, definitely go see a professional, or just get in the gym and squat. Do things that are hard and get better at them, you will feel instant validation.
15. Change In Relationship Dynamics
After some time, if communication is not kept as a priority, the dynamics of a relationship can change. One of you may be more emotionally dominant, the other financially and things like this can lead to tough conversations.
You have to anticipate how changes in the future may affect the dynamics, and plan ahead so you don’t just land in an uncomfortable spot. If bills are always going to be split, if one of you earns more, who is in charge of what around the house are very important conversations to have.
If you don’t have things like this clear, they become the things you complain to your friends about instead of talking and solving the issue with the person that really matters in the equation.
No one wants to feel like the other has more power over their relationship. Always communicate, have the difficult discussions, make the changes. This keeps everything equal if you are both always able to speak up about anything without the worry of judgement.
Some Further Thoughts
Do guys withdraw when they’re falling in love?, why do guys withdraw after intimacy?, why do guys withdraw without warning in a long distance relationship?
There are infinite variations of this question, but there is no one answer in most cases. It is an accumulation of many of the things we have talked about. Though I don’t want to make it sound like I am making an excuse and it’s ok for men to withdraw.
We all have our own issues, and it is up to us to deal with them and decide how we react to the world around us. Knowing the theory and practicing it are very different, but you know the theory.
I made a choice not so long ago to react as positively to everything I can, and to avoid situations that put me in a place that effects my mood. I don’t get on the metro during rush hour, I walk.
I don’t sarcastically say “you’re welcome” when I hold the door for someone and they say nothing, I do it because I choose to and not for the recognition.
Just like you do not want people to expect too much from you, don’t expect much from other people. You can only control the few seconds in front of you at any given time.
Control your mind and your emotions will follow.